When I finally earned my degree, I was relieved that I finished college! But I wasn’t happy: I was disappointed and felt resentment.
In my previous post, I spoke about the hardships I went through during my last year in college and how it severely affected my health.
Going through that experience motivated me to explore a new path during my recovery, which was intentional living while being chronically ill.
A difficult diagnosis
Before graduation, I went through a messed-up situation involving a toxic group project and not having the correct accommodations.
Which triggered multiple severe pain crises that had lasting effects on my health. And for the sake of my recovery, I put my postgrad plans on hold.
I had to recuperate and improve my condition, but I felt atrocious pain in my right hip.
I had felt this pain before during my last year of college. But now it was way worse! Eventually it became so painful and nearly impossible to walk. So an MRI was planned.
And the result was a broken hip!
Accepting the diagnosis and redirecting life
So what basically happened to my hip was necrosis (my bone was dying off). I’m guessing it’s due to these back-to-back pain crises triggered by that toxic group work.
Accepting my diagnosis was difficult, and I deeply resented the actions of some department members in college. Because it felt like my concerns weren’t taken seriously!
And it wasn’t the first time that a school didn’t take my health-related concerns fully into consideration. Even though I gave them medical statements explaining my condition.
So I always ended up falling severely ill, as I was pressured to conform. But after graduating from college, I was determined to never endure something like that again.
I didn’t want to be stuck in a loop of jeopardizing my health because of having to conform to societal expectations and norms.
So I made a decision.
I would live a slower-paced life aligned with my needs for the sake of my health!
Confronting harmful beliefs: rest and guilt
What I needed the most right now for my recovery was to rest. But I honestly have rarely been able to rest without feeling a sense of guilt.
Now that I had graduated, I wanted to figure out why. Especially since rest was important for my recovery.
So I tried recalling when that feeling started.
Then…I realized it: elementary school! I remembered some teachers getting mad or frustrated when I couldn’t do things that were ‘normal’ or ‘easy’. A teacher even implied that my accommodations were a privilege and treated me like a nuisance.
Which confused me as a kid, so I just tried to ignore her insensitive comments. Eventually I told my mom. I actually burst into tears due to a comment the teacher made, as I couldn’t take being treated like that anymore.
And yeah…she was livid at that teacher, confronted her, and put an end to that situation!
After going through that experience, the feeling that I couldn’t be like other kids due to my illness only worsened. I started putting in so much effort to be more like able-bodied kids because I didn’t want to be seen as a leech, lazy, needy, or weak.
Recalling that situation wasn’t pleasant, but I finally found the source of my guilt when I prioritized rest: experiencing harmful societal pressures during my formative years.
A new hopeful path
After unpacking that memory, I knew I made the right choice of seeking redirection to live a slower-paced life, aligned with my needs and beliefs.
And I decided to not only focus on my physical recovery but also on my mental. Especially after everything I went through.
But where would I start?
I decided to reduce distractions in my life that prevented me from focusing on more meaningful things. And that was my phone screen time, which had insane hours. So I looked into digital minimalism.
And while exploring digital minimalism, I came across intentional living, which opened a new path for me!
Intentional living is making mindful choices that reflect your values and beliefs. It’s essentially deciding how you want to live rather than letting life just happen to you.
After learning about intentional living, I felt so seen!
I always felt like I had to endure life due to societal pressures and expectations. But with the discovery of intentional living, I felt like I could finally start living it!
The first step of intentional living with a chronic illness
The first step to intentional living while chronically ill was to tackle the sense of guilt I felt when I prioritized resting. So I set boundaries for myself:
- I will allow myself to rest.
- I will not push through pain and discomfort.
- I will not find something ‘productive’ to do on my phone.
Based on these boundaries, I started making mindful choices, combining the things I learned about intentional living and digital minimalism. First, I deleted productivity apps because it was too tempting and easy to be productive.
But not being productive just felt weird. As I always did my best to stay on track as a student, even while in pain. Just to keep up with the societal expectations and norms.
Now I didn’t have to do that. I didn’t want to do that. Which was relieving but also confusing. So, I journaled a lot. Which helped me work through my emotions and shift from that harmful mindset to a healthier one.
And now I have a better view on resting because I see it as being kind to my body and managing my condition.
Concerning productivity, I am working on redefining it to something more fitting for my new journey: intentional living while chronically ill.
What’s next?
My introduction to intentional living came to me during my recovery after severe pain crises triggered by the lack of accommodations and a toxic group project in college.
To me, it was the perfect timing, as I was starting my postgraduate journey. And I didn’t want to conform to harmful societal expectations and norms anymore. Instead, I wanted to be able to live more authentically, at a slower pace that aligned with my values and needs.
So far, I enjoy intentional living with a chronic illness, as it helps me figure out how to live according to my values and beliefs without jeopardizing my health.
Have you ever felt like you needed redirection in life while living with a chronic illness? You’re welcome to share your experience! 😉
Photos used from Pexels by cottonbro studio, Thirdman, and ROMAN ODINTSOV